Cinematical has an alternate “Twilight” script

Cinematical has an article about one of their writers, Eric D. Snider, alternate screenplay for the “Twilight” movie. It is a funny parody I found very amusing.

Here is an excerpt from the screenplay:

Scene 2

BELLA: It’s tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can’t they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and cut myself?

CLASSMATE: You’re awesome, Bella!

BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey — who are those hot people over there?

CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don’t eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they’re Canadians.

BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.

CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.

BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I’m not interested in him sexually, of course, because sex is dirty, but wow — LOOK AT HIM! Yee-ikes! Hubba hubba! If you don’t mind, I’d like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is, and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages.

CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.

Continue to Scene 3 after the jump …

Scene 3

EDWARD: Hi, I’m Edward. I’m every girl’s fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you’re sleeping, but also really cute.

BELLA: There is something strange about you.

EDWARD: (recoils at her garlic breath) I don’t know what you mean.

BELLA: I just can’t put my finger on what it is.

EDWARD: (lifts automobile with one hand) You’re imagining things.

BELLA: I feel like you’re hiding something from me.

EDWARD: (grabs passing rabbit with lightning speed; drinks rabbit’s blood) Don’t be silly!

BELLA: It’s like you’re different somehow.

EDWARD: (turns into bat; flies away)

BELLA: Hmm. I bet he’s gay.

You can read the entire screenplay here. It should definitely make you laugh.